Semerah Cinta Stilleto
My rating:




(Warning: rebiu berikut banyak mengandungi bahasa yang kasar dan kesat. Sebab filem ini memang tidak layak direbiu dengan sopan. Sekian terima kasih.)

I may have been a little too hard on Syurga Cinta, the first film I gave a one-star rating to. It's still a very bad movie of course, but it wasn't as aggressively awful as I have since come to learn most Malay movies can be. I don't know if I'm getting acclimated to them or what; I used to give out one-and-a-half-star ratings all the time, but I've been giving more and more two-star ratings of late. I've admitted before to grading on a curve, but I honestly try not to - it really isn't fair of me. Yang elok patut dipuji, yang buruk patut dicaci.

Then along comes this little fuckup of a movie that absolutely deserves my second ever one-star rating.

Leto (Farid Kamil) is this loser who lives with his parents (Dato' Jamali Shadat and Maimon Mutalib) and can't even hold a job selling fish at a wholesale market. Stila (Lisa Surihani) is this sheltered rich princess with an absent dad (Shaharuddin Thamby) and a slut mom (Nanu Baharudin). Leto's moronic friend Yani (Cat Farish) sexually harasses her, which makes her so mad she jams her stiletto heel into Leto's asshole. Then Leto and Yani steal her shoes and Yani sells them to an Indian couple (Rama and Kenchana Devi) who are a domestic violence case waiting to happen. Then Leto and Stila start hanging out together, during which he keeps walking terkangkang like he, well, got buttfucked by a stiletto heel. But because her parents are stuck-up rich assholes, Leto decides she's better off if he slips a roofie in her drink while her mom takes her away to her "new life". Some time later Stila shows up again, 'cos she's totally okay about the roofie thing, and they bercinta semula. The End.

I swear to Allah, that's a 100% accurate synopsis of the movie. Spoilerrific too, but I couldn't give a fuck; korang should be thanking me for saving you the trouble torture of watching it. What the fuck is it with Ahmad Idham? He made a shitty horror movie and one surprisingly decent comedy that actually fooled me into thinking he's good at comedy. Ah, but here's the thing - he wrote Syurga Cinta, Niyang Rapik and Semerah Cinta Stilleto, but not Adnan Semp-It. No wan de laaaah. The screenwriter for that movie would be, according to Wikipedia Bahasa Melayu, one Aranina Zulfra. Cik Aranina, I owe you an apology for not crediting you in my earlier review. Your writing was awesome.

And Encik Ahmad Idham, you're a fucking incompetent hack. That synopsis doesn't convey the most horrific thing about this movie - the annoying-as-fuckall attempts at comedy. First we have Angah Raja Lawak, who plays Leto's fishmonger boss, and not only does he overact like mad, he puts on a ridiculous high-pitched voice. Annoying gila babi sampai nak cucuk chopstick kedalam telinga sampai pekak. Then there's Rama and Kenchana Dewi who are perpetually screaming at each other non-stop in Tamil. And finally there's Cat Farish. Fuck you, Cat Farish. Ko ni macam bisul atas muka industri filem tempatan. You damn near ruin every scene you're in and every movie you're involved in.

None of these people are funny. None of their scenes are funny. That's because Tuan Penulis Lakonlayar Ahmad Fucking Idham didn't bother to write any actual funny scenes. He didn't write funny dialogue. He didn't write funny situations. He didn't write characters in conflict that gives rise to humour. To him, funny is when he can just tell his actors, "okey, korang buatlah lawak sendiri. Suara nyaring lah, muka retarded lah, gua tak kisah, sukati korang." And then he just duduk belakang kamera goyang kaki minum kopi korek hidung. That's how he directed this movie. And he expects you to pay RM10 to watch it.

And he can't even craft a proper story. The movie starts with Stila and her mom super excited about their big day, in which Stila is about to go on her first date. Is she 13? Is she some virginal gadis kampung yang tak pernah bergaul dengan kaum Adam? No, she's a KL girl who's at least old enough to drive. But she gets all skeeved out when her date takes her to that den of sin and iniquity, the karaoke joint. And then there's this nonsense about a pair of red stiletto heels that Stila's mom gave her, that supposedly symbolize Stila and Leto's love. Um, fuck no. If anything, they either symbolize a) Mama Stila's materialism, b) Yani and Leto's criminal proclivities, and/or c) assault and battery.

No, but I'll tell you the biggest fucking fail about this piece of shit. This is supposed to be a kisah cinta, right? So what is the ajaran yang ingin Tuan Pengarah Encik Ahmad Idham sampaikan? It is this: cinta adalah sesuatu yang suci dan agung, tapi kalau parents tak aci, putuskan je. Tak kira kalau parents kau are fucking hypocrites who can't even stay faithful in their own marriage. Kalau kau miskin, jangan harap nak bercinta mahupun berkawan dengan orang kaya. Orang miskin memang layak dipandang rendah oleh orang kaya. Lelaki yang tak berani memperjuangkan cintanya sendiri, yang takde the balls to break off a relationship face to face, yang rela bubuh ubat bius dalam minuman makwe dia, itu panggil hero. This is Ahmad Fucking Idham's idea of a love story.

I tried, I really did, to look for a single redeeming factor in this. Lisa Surihani is kinda okay, I guess - although I doubt even Meryl Fucking Streep could've done fuckall with this script. I was hoping that Dato' Jamali Shadat would do a Dato' Aziz Sattar in Momok The Movie and give a shockingly good veteran performance, but he had nothing to work with. The shots were in focus, so it's got that going for it. Frankly, the only good thing about the experience was the super cute tudung-clad chick behind the counter at GSC Berjaya Times Square who sold me the ticket. Ya cik adik, I memang suka sering tengok filem Melayu, tapi bes jugak kalau ada teman *wink wink*...

Hadooouuuuiii. Almost a full year of reviewing local films, I've come to the conclusion that this is the standard. Nonsensical plotting, stupidity substituting for comedy, an utterly fucked-up sense of morality - these are all the things that Malay movies slowly gravitate to, and anything slightly better is a big fucking deal. Semerah Cinta Stilleto just happens to be a perfect black hole of all the worst aspects of filem tempatan. Wahai orang-orang filem, this movie is a humiliation to you. You all should be ashamed that you belong to the same industry capable of producing this kind of steaming taik kucing.

...dammit there's one more thing I can't let go: YOU FUCKING MISSPELLED "STILETTO" AHMAD IDHAM YOU FUCKING MORON AAAARRRGGHHHH

NEXT REVIEW: Ice Kacang Puppy Love
Expectations: *deeeeeep breath* looking forward to it