Kecoh Betul
My rating:




(Amaran: yes, it's another one-star movie. That means I break out the swearing. Pengidap penyakit jantung dan ibu-ibu mengandung dinasihatkan agar tidak membaca rebiu ini.)

Through a quirk of our local cinema release schedule, I have had to watch three Malay films back to back. I once said I could barely handle watching two in a row, but the only other movie I could've picked was Marmaduke, which, well, no. Besides, I've also just renewed my commitment to watching and reviewing every local film made, so I thought I could handle it. It's been rough going though, what with the first two being pretty damn terrible.

Wouldn't you know it, the Movie Gods saved the absolute fucking worst for last.

Aiman (Nabil Ahmad), Joe (Bell Ngasri) and Belon (Shah R) are three friends and mat rempits dispatch riders. Aiman rescues Dayana's (Diana Danielle) purse from a snatch thief, so he sorta starts to beromen with her. Then gets fired from his job for being an idiot and an asshole, so he starts working at the pizza place run by Abang Don (Saiful Apek) where his friends also work. But they're still total bums who can't make their rent, so they get kicked out, but then they find rooms to let from Salmah (Sheila Mambo), who is being wooed by her neighbour Pak Ajis (Dato' Aziz Sattar). And Joe gets the hots for Salmah's daughter Yatt (Yatt). Then Aiman gets into a street race with some drug dealers, wins, and it turns out Dayana is their moll, so now she goes to stay with them. But the drug dealers retaliate by stealing their motorbikes, so they get loans from some Ah Longs, which gets them into well-deserved trouble. But then the cops show up and arrest the Ah Longs, then Pak Ajis and Salmah get married, and my torment the movie ends.

Why yes, I did just reveal the entire plot of the movie. No, I did not "spoil" it, because this movie is already a rancid heap of putrefaction. This is the absolute most pathetic fucking excuse for a movie I have ever seen in my career as a critic of Malaysian films, and I seriously contemplated giving it my first ever half-star or even no-star rating. It does, however, present an interesting challenge on how to review it. My modus operandi on both my previous reviews was to mention as many of the movie's numerous instances of suck and fail as I could remember, but if I do that here I'll probably never finish this review. So, hmm, how do I present a sorta general overview of how fuck-me-gently-with-a-chainsaw horrible this movie is?

How 'bout I start by saying that co-writer-directors S. Baldev Singh and Ikhzal Ideris are total lazy-ass incompetent morons. I swear to Allah S.W.T. that this movie had no script. It just had some vague scene directions into which the actors are thrown into, then told to ad-lib their own dialogue and buat lawak sendiri. Lacking the skill for comic improvisation, the cast just generally act like budak kecik darjah satu. Seriously. I went to grab a bite at a KFC after the movie and saw two kids playing... well, one of them was playing. He kept pushing the other kid and running off giggling like an idiot, and that other kid was just barely restraining himself from murdering him with his bare hands. Because that's how kids behave - like total fucking assholes who think it's fun to annoy the crap out of you.

That's what this movie does to you. That's what these characters do to each other, and therefore to the audience as well. And the only people who can enjoy this shit are budak kecik darjah satu, or those who are mentally the equivalent. There were actually a handful of people in the cinema with me who were laughing at the onscreen antics, and I really wanted to ask: what is wrong with you people?? Are you retarded?? But no, the real villains here are the purveyors of this kinda shit, i.e. Messrs. Baldev and Ikhzal. Ko tengok lagi sekali watak-watak yang telah kamu cipta tu. Bodoh, pemalas, pendek akal, tak amanah, dan tak boleh diharap. Ko sedar tak, inilah yang membuatkan bangsa Melayu dipandang rendah, tau?

Oh yeah, I went there. I got political on this movie's ass. See, I got perspective; I know it's pointless to rage at people who enjoy stupid crap, because there will always be people who enjoy stupid crap. If Hollywood can make stuff like Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans and, hell, Marmaduke, we can have our Kecoh Betuls and our Semerah Cinta Stilletos. But as I said in my review of that Ahmad Idham anti-masterpiece, this kind of fucked-up filmmaking is the standard for Malay movies. It may not always be this bad, but it rarely ever gets much better. And the average Malay moviegoer will come to believe that there is no better, and they'll pay to watch this stuff because they gotta watch something. And, gradually and inexorably, otak mereka akan reput. (And yes, I said Malay movies and Malay audiences. 'Cos Chinese make better movies. Yeah, I went there, motherfuckers.)

There's nothing worth saying about the cast; some of them have been decent in other movies, but it's not their fault they got roped into this steaming turd. I certainly feel sorry that they're in this flop - and yes, seeing that it opened the same week as Lagenda Budak Setan, you'd best believe it's a flop. I seem to remember that it's Finas who arbitrarily picks the release dates for local films, so I guess it's bad luck a fate that could not be better deserved for Baldev and Ikhzal. Y'know those people in the audience who were laughing? They only laughed at a few bits; they were quiet for long stretches of what's supposed to be a comedy. Walaupun ada audience yang sanggup merencatkan akal sendiri untuk menikmati filem korang, tapi korang masih tak reti nak menghiburkan mereka sepenuh-penuhnya. What the fuck are you guys doing making movies? Lebih baik korang jual burger je laa. Tiada rezeki bagimu dalam dunia perfileman.

NEXT REVIEW: The Karate Kid
Expectations: some competent filmmaking, at long fucking last